


you will always remember

by hollyhobbit101



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s12e15 Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell, F/M, Hurt Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, never going to be over them, so I couldn't help myself, this conversation really reminded me of Sam and Jess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 18:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10471278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollyhobbit101/pseuds/hollyhobbit101
Summary: Gwen's words left more than a few bells ringing in Sam's ears. Tag to 12x15, Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell





	

_"It's all my fault."_

It had been his mantra in the weeks since Jess died. It was his fault for leaving her, it was his fault for not telling her the truth, it was his fault, his fault, his fault. He had stopped saying it out loud because, every time he did, Dean would fix him with The Look and say very loudly and clearly that he couldn't have done anything to help her and would he quit thinking it already, but the phrase bounced through his brain every minute of the day and night. It was worse at night, when it was her voice telling him she would be alive if it weren't for him, but he learned to accept it and carried on, that inescapable truth the only thing keeping him going.

* * *

_"What happened to Marcus."_

Sometimes he would wake up and think she was still there. Then he'd realise that the quiet breaths weren't the same as hers used to be, and that he'd never hear that sound again. Other times he'd bolt upright from nightmares, sure he could feel her sticky blood on his forehead, her screams still echoing in his ears. (She didn't scream when she died. Sam did.) Often he didn't even have to sleep to see her. In the first few weeks he only had to stare at a motel room ceiling and she'd be there, a bright red stain across her abdomen and searing flames quenching her spark.

* * *

_"I don't think I even know what okay means anymore."_

Dean always asked him if he was okay; Sam always told him he was fine. He'd said the word so much that it had lost all meaning. He was okay because he had to be, he was okay because the job required him to be. He didn't think he'd been properly okay since a long time before Stanford had even entered his head, but he managed. Then Jess died and okay became a long ago fantasy. The next time Dean asked he stayed silent, and the look on his brother's face told him he knew.

* * *

_"I liked Marcus. He was sweet, and kind. And he loved me."_

Jess had been different. The people he had grown up around had been all hard edges and firm commands. She was gentle, and caring, and so, so loving. She baked cookies for him, and helped him relax when he was stressed, and she loved him unconditionally because... just because. No one had ever loved him like that before, and Sam liked it. Maybe too much, because it hurt so much when it was all taken away.

* * *

_"More than I ever loved him."_

He had loved Jess. He had loved her more than he had loved anybody, but it still wasn't enough. He wasn't deserving of the kind words she gave him, not worthy of her tender kisses or smiles. If he had loved her enough he would never have left her alone that night. Dean could have handled the hunt by himself, and Jess might be alive. Or she might not be, but Sam might be dead with her.

* * *

_"I lied to make things easier."_

He was going to tell her the truth of who he was, or that was what he told himself to help him deal with the lies he swore he'd leave behind. At first it had seemed justified because she would have called him crazy if she knew. She would have left him and he would have been alone again. Later, he couldn't bring himself to tell her. Everything was so perfect and the lies tripped so easily off his tongue. He should have told her the truth, maybe it could have saved her if she had known, but ignorance was so easy to get used to.


End file.
